All-Terrain Lawn Tractor Forum

Like riding lawn tractors through mud, woods, rocks, and snow? Then this is the place for you! Share your ideas, Post your projects and more!
 
PortalHomeFAQSearchMemberlistRegisterLog inCountdown Timer
Swing by the Chatroom anytime! Next Chat Event - 10/7/2017 @ 8:00pm EST .
Welcome to the All Terrain Lawn Tractor Forum!
ATTENTION!! - The 2017 ATLTF Build-Off ends just over a month! Click Here to view qualification rules, and Click Here to view entry instructions!
Be sure your build threads are updated and your build meets "finished" qualification rules!!
The new 2017 ATLTF stickers are in! View them here, and order yours while they're hot!
We now have a Discord chat server! Contact Doug for an invite link!

Share | 
 

 Tool Definitions.

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
TheBeal
Master
Master
avatar

Age : 23
Join date : 2013-06-06
Posts : 827
Forum Rep : 14
Location : Central PA

PostSubject: Tool Definitions.   Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:11 pm

Thought yall might enjoy...

I have more than a passing familiarity with common precision tools. When I got the information below, I immediately recognized it as being amazingly accurate.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, Oh sh*t.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are attempting to hit.

MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts .
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Shamelessly stolen from some other website... lol!
Back to top Go down
richie thomas
Expert
Expert
avatar

Age : 22
Join date : 2011-08-04
Posts : 1385
Forum Rep : 1
Location : east dublin georgia

PostSubject: Re: Tool Definitions.   Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:30 pm

lol doug posted this about 1 1/2 years ago, ive been lookin for it! lol
Back to top Go down
camomanusa
Skilled
Skilled
avatar

Age : 18
Join date : 2013-09-15
Posts : 467
Forum Rep : 0
Location : Greensburg, PA

PostSubject: Re: Tool Definitions.   Wed Jul 09, 2014 1:04 am

made my day
Back to top Go down
crafsmankiller
Skilled
Skilled


Age : 20
Join date : 2012-10-18
Posts : 412
Forum Rep : 0
Location : livingston texas

PostSubject: Re: Tool Definitions.   Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:50 am

True and funny. Gave me a good laugh
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Tool Definitions.   

Back to top Go down
 
Tool Definitions.
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Funny Tool Definitions
» Craig's List Search Tool
» K100 tool kit
» clutch tool k100
» Who else bought a swingarm tool?

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
All-Terrain Lawn Tractor Forum :: Off Topic :: Off Topic-
Jump to: